Source: Satirical Press
In breakthrough news today, The United Nations announced they had found The Global Thermostat to control the Earth’s temperature.
With 45,000 people searching for the controls in Copenhagen at the Bella Convention Center, commentators were shocked when it turned up instead in a closet in the basement of the World Meterological Organization (WMO) headquarters in Geneva.
“It’s a landmark day for human-kind” said Rajendra Pachuri, Chairman of the IPCC.
Barack Obama stood for a standing ovation that lasted 23 minutes and said: “It gives us all hope”.
Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia: “We wouldn’t have found this without Obama’s magic touch. Obama rolled up his sleeves in Copenhagen, and the ancient Sumerian map fell out of his shirt.”
Tim Flannery, an Australian environmental spokesman, said: We must make sure this thermostat does not fall into the wrong hands. It must be managed by an unelected, unaudited government with infinite powers. Nothing else is safe.
Pachuri went on to explain the degree of control the IPCC expected to be able to have:
“Now we’ll be able to keep the global 30 year rolling average within a 2 degree range. At this stage we can’t promise to maintain any specific temperature for any given year. For example we are unable to guarantee Olympic meetings or World Cups will have fine weather, but with further research that may be possible.”
“We’re looking at a budget of $100 billion dollars in the next three years to set up The Intergovernmental Guardians of Climate Control. We plan to convene the working groups every year for eight weeks starting in Barbados in January 2010.
Nations wishing to apply for adjustments to the thermostat need to file a comprehensive application in 14 languages, in a form expected to be 4,000 pages long.
Within 30 minutes of the announcement, new social networks were springing into action on Twitter and Facebook. One, Ice-Age Now (IAN), was lobbying for The Thermostat to be switched down to glacial levels. He said skiers, skaters, and polar bears have been deprived of their full potential since the upper paleolithic era 15,000 years ago. “For most of homo sapiens’ history, temperatures have been a lot lower. It’s time we faced that”. Critics pointed out that he owned property in Texas, which would dramatically improve in value as the ice forced all Canadians to move south, and also that “about 4.56 billion people would starve to death”.
Russians were reported to be trying to hack into the WMO to raise temperatures.
No one could explain how the Sumerians would have known about the Global Thermostat, especially since they lived 3,500 km away (2,200 miles) from Geneva. But paleoclimate experts noted that the Sumerians had flourished during the Holocene Optimum, which was warmer than today, and that possibly the discovery of the ancient thermostat had been key to the development of human civilization.
Over the last 30 years janitors had stored progressively larger vacuum cleaners leaning against the switch, resulting in the climbing world averages.
A janitor had accidentally bumped it last week and was possibly responsible for the blizzards that struck Copenhagen and London this week. Training in Global Temperature Control has been added to his Duty Statement.
LOL!!! We need to laugh to get the “AGW Residuals” out of our system…Great Post Joanne..You have to be a “multi-talented” person to pull off what you have to do in Life! God Bless you and the People here that “truly care”….
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And if that doesn’t work, all Obama needs to do is make more speeches and promise more hope and change. He must insist his boys in the back room print more money to give away and make more regulations that prohibit us from creating wealth. If they don’t do that, we just might discover that we never did need them and that can get along just fine without them.
Isn’t it interesting that they pretend to be greedy for golden eggs from the goose but starve the goose before they eat it. Then they blame the fact the goose can no longer lay golden eggs on the goose.
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Nice article, by the way does anyone known where Al went after Copenhagen? We have about 12 inches of snow, with 20 inches expected and Blizzard Warnings here in the DC area. I think Al is in town, because we are getting the full “Gore Effect” here in DC.
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Also, another very amusing piece at http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/
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You know things are getting creepy when global organisations start proclaiming they can finely tune worldwide temperatures. We are talking about one of the most complex open-ended non-linear systems we know of; no small feat. One wonders by which means one can enforce this new dictat on mother nature.
Who has allowed politicians to even conmsider making ridiculous statements on setting temperature limits? And they call us flat-earthers 🙂
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Why is there a Dalek guarding it?
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Finally, the global warming scam has been reduced to nothing more than an object of humor. It signifies that the end is near because this swindle has finally been exposed to the general public. Sadly, the watermelons will almost certainly not go gently into that goodnight. The green rank and file are beginning to realize that they were nothing but “useful idiots” and that their leaders are hypocrites who live lavish life styles while demanding sacrifice from their minions. A schism has developed between the green leadership and there lower echelon drones and between greens and big business green carpetbaggers, as well. The greens feel they have been betrayed because the ‘deal” reached in Copenhagen is non binding and mere lip service. Don’t the greens realize by now that politicians are long on talk but short on action? The greens will try a more radical approach while big business protects its self interests which are no longer aligned with the greens. Make no mistake, the political opposition is going to have a field day with this scandal. In the month since the climategate scandal broke the shift by the public away from the AGW camp towards the skeptics has accelerated. Some scientists and politicians will be sacrificed or forced to fall upon their own swords and the far left will move on and find another “cause” to get agitated about. They will have to be creative to top the global warming scam. I don’t know about the rest of the world but American voters will probably become extremely upset with politicians who exacerbated the worst economic recession we have experienced since the great depression. Sadly, when the pendulum swings really far one way it tends to swing back really far in the other direction. Future ecological problems will be met with skepticism if not outright scorn by the public and the greens will have become their own worst enemies. By the time the 2010 elections happen in the U.S. the scandal will probably be at its peak. There will almost certainly be trials, both criminal and civil, congressional hearings and several books written about this scandal. Most people are not cognizant of the fact that the great global warming fraud is but the latest in a series of bogus calamities trotted out by the greens in order to convince us that we need to be “saved” by surrendering our freedom. Remember acid rain, the “hole” in the ozone layer, bisphenol A in baby bottles, alar on apples, the artificial sweetener saccharine, nitrosamine in bacon, etc.? I hope that the leaders of the green movement wind up with a bounty on there heads. Their application of junk science to create or solve non existent problems has resulted in the death of millions of the worlds poor as well as the retardation of economic development in the third world and the siphoning of GDP from developed countries. Thee U.S. wastes an estimated 3% to 5% of its GDP complying with environmental laws. That does not include the amount of GDP lost because of the stranglehold the misanthropic greens have on development.
The green are disingenuous in their effort to oppose the development of the means for society to maintain its standard of living in the West and to improve its standard of living in the developing nations. They are nothing more than misanthropes. In California we waste time idling in congested traffic squandering finite precious fuel because there are not enough freeways. The cost of electricity has risen because state law requires utilities to buy an ever increasing percentage of their electricity from unreliable expensive green sources. Obama says you can build a coal burning power plant but you will be bankrupted if you do. There has not been a new oil refinery built in the U.S. in over a quarter century. Since the Three Mile incident the development of nuclear power plants has ground to a halt. We are beginning to experience rolling brownouts because during peak demand periods the system cannot provide enough electricity to meet demand and even if they had enough electricity the grid system is incapable of delivering the power. Companies are going bankrupt because energy is either unavailable or overpriced and jobs are leaving the U.S. and going overseas. As I have said before, most Americans are so busy living the good life that they haven’t been too concerned about the greens, until lately. Now that the American public is feeling a little lighter in the wallet they are beginning to scrutinize the greens. The internet prohibits the left from controlling the flow of information. If the greens want to establish their own utopia in the wilderness I do not have a problem with that. Unfortunately, the greens want us all to eat granola and live the peasant lifestyle. They ought to have an exchange program with the poor people in the developing world. I am sure they would not have a problem finding willing participants in regions that do not have electricity, clean water or an adequate supply of food. If that were to happen I wonder how long it would take for the transplanted greens to start singing a different tune. Better living through modern chemistry is superior to the brutish, short life that the poor are forced to endure.
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Obviously you made this up. Everyone knows the UN couldn’t find thier
A$$ with both hands and a roadmap (even a sumerian one). I assume the
vacum cleaner is one of the many the UN uses to suck up the wealth of
democracies ?
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Headline should have read: “Shock! UN finds its brains.”
Behind a door marked “WC”.
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Otter:”Why is there a Dalek Guarding it?”
Hmm.I’ve had my suspicions about Piers Corbyn.
Did anyone notice a 1950’s London Police Box in
Copehagen?
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I’ve said this before a while ago in relation to UK and EU politicians spouting the 2 deg C target but it bears repeating, I hope.
Best international practice for environmental management under ISO14001 (the international mgmt system standard) is to recognise aspects (i.e. CO2 emissions) separately from impacts (i.e. ‘global warming’) because you can actually manage aspects directly whereas you cannot manage impacts.
In this case targets for CO2 emissions would be acceptable but not temperature or even ppm of atmospheric CO2 – I mean will they allow plus/minus 0.3degC for a strong El Nino?
If I was as cynical as I was skeptical I might be tempted to assume they’ve seen the various logarithmic projections and are setting a reverse-Cnutian target. (And yes I know what he was really trying to show.)
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[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Wave of Freedom.com, johnnyA99. johnnyA99 said: Shock: UN Finds Earth’s Thermostat http://bit.ly/5ahrEx #COP15 #350ppm #StupidCo2BS […]
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I don’t suppose they found Phil Jones at the bottom of the freezer compartment?
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M Morris: Post 5,
M.Morris, yes and wait when in 5-10years from now that there will be NO change other than the lies the Alarmists will state…in fact the temp. will continue to go lower…Of course by then scandals will occur just like in Europe with their Cap & Trade System..Big time fraud is being conducted..http://www.globalwarminghoax.com/e107_plugins/forum/forum_viewtopic.php?1504.last Massive Fraud Threatens Cap & Trade
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Micheal Mann in yesterday’s Washington Post, E-mail furor doesn’t alter evidence for climate change.
What’s interesting about this is the “Comments” section, hundreds of ’em…and it looks like about 98% of them are pretty much asking for Mann’s head of a platter…or, in the minimum, his butt in a prison cell.
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Just flip the hockey stick, get Google to erase all mentions of global warming and then blame the inconvenient cold weather on climate change. The error margins in the climate models are so broad that this is within the realms of their forecasts. Saves the challenge of finding thermometers that still show warming. Gore will read anything on his teleprompter, providing there’s money in it. If Mann et al don’t get with the problem, ask the Attorney General to have a quiet word.
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The picture proving that not all vacuous suckers were in wonderfool wonderfool Copenhagen…
sort of, snowed on the warm mongers dystopic parade. Kevin `09` crushed spine, so sad….. wonder if kruddys cabin crew are cowering in the galley,yet???… and minister wrong nailed the failure of cop15 firmly on the forehead of mr.Abbott because….
Ha HA HA HHA HA HAAAA….
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Another smoking gun, this time in NZ.
http://briefingroom.typepad.com/the_briefing_room/2009/12/nz-study-may-hold-key-to-faulty-world-temp-data.html
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Nothing like humour to get the message across.
Good piece, well done. 🙂
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No big photo, no group hugs, no beaming handshakes, no grandiose statements, just an empty stage. Noone wants to own this episode and they couldn’t get on those planes quick enough. A photo opportunity everyone wanted to avoid in the end but Obama couldn’t avoid it the sucker. Rudd isn’t stupid in the end but he must know the engine just blew on the love bus. He was a diplomat but he would not have seen a cluster this big. If it was my job to get the bus going again I would give up now, but I haven’t invested anything.
The mood at Goldman-Sachs? Not exactly the market stimulation they were after. Keep an eye on that carbon price.
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It’s time to send in the clowns!
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I heard they were arguing about whether climate scientists should fudge their figures by 1.5 degrees or by 2 degrees. You know how important it is to get consensus right and have a consistent story to tell the authorities.
It’s wonderful to think that in a decade from now when no disaster happens and the world still looks pretty much the same, we will be able to thank the guys at Copenhagen for achieving that.
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I think it a case of the battle is won but the war is not over. The real motivation behind GW etc. would appear to be the creation of a “Global Government” controlling powerless nations. The UN will be running this totalitarian system which will, of course, be for our own benefit.
The problem this time was they underestimated the power of the internet but already moves are taking place to get control of this too.
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[…] Copenhagen climate talkfest ends in a lot of hot air communist style international wealth redistribution did not come to pass. Copenwithfailure UN says ‘we have the red button to control the earths temperature now pay us before we push it… […]
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Damn…. I knew in the end it would just be something simple….. Stuck switch, you reckon?…. Who woulda thunk it;-)
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I smiled when I saw pictures of snow-men at Copenhagen and a rather slushy talk-fest result. However, this whole debate has rather eclipsed the very real “old” environmental issues of pollution and habitat degradation. If we could lobby governments to spend the warming budget on real isses we might actually get somewhere.
Perhaps we could convince the pollies to create an enhanced web blog next time, and save us money earning types millions of dollars and then we could provide some genuine help to low lying nations who feel victimised by (perfectly natural) sea-level rise.
Thanks for the humour Jo.
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Climategate Censorship
Google affected by Copenhagen Accord.
Now that Copenhagen COP15 is over, Google auto-suggest for “climategate” is working again. Yay!
Also Senator Fielding had his phone instantly cut off on an ABC phone interview when he mentioned the banned word “climategate”,
as he was inside Copenhagen and had signed an agreement not to criticize the Australian position during the summit.
Obama and Rudd may have said at Copenhagen that “everyone is agreed” that “man made climate change is a fact”,
but not everybody trusts politicians to always tell the truth, especially when it is an inconvenient truth.
The post-COP15 period is now crucial to informing the public of the existence of the real debate raging about the science of climate change that has been suppressed for so long, and to publicize the University of East Anglia Emails.
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JS,
Yep, Google has decided to stop censoring the internet with respect to climategate now that the copenhagen conference is over.
Gee, how benevolent of them. Why thank you Google, I am really grateful oh masterful and wise ones. It pleases me that you have now decided that I am finally ready to get hold of the truth.
I mean, I am really really grateful oh wise ones that you now trust me, a mere peasant to be able to search on the very internet Al gore invented.
Once again, Google, thank you for not doing it too soon as I fear that I wasn’t ready to learn about climategate a few weeks ago. I am really happy that you took the autosuggest on google off and waited until you could decide that I was ready to be able to easily access the information. I trust your judgement that it really would not have been in my best interests, and I am now pleased to know that I have now reached a point where this information should be made accessible in you autosuggestions.
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To screw Google, try using....Scroogle,”An ad-free Google search proxy which prevents the searcher’s data being stored by Google” Kick em`where it hurts. no pop ups or paid ad`s, works as per usual…
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this has got to one of the funniest videos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGdbHW9Nlds
snip if required due to sensitivities deniers etc…
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My cynical view on this is that they can foresee a decline (extrapolating the last 10 years) and they are going to claim that all the measures they have “put in place” have been excessively successful. (Kind of like the non-work that “averted” the Y2K crisis)
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Just want to say thanks again, Joanne. The trouble is that it is hard to ridicule what the warmists are advocating, because the real situation is already ridiculous.
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Russian bearer of not suprising news..Link..Russians accuse Hadley Centre of falsifying Russian temperatures. from `RIANOVOSTI` (`bless you`…)
Illegitimis non carborundum
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And so we see not only does the environment invalidate the AGW theory but that it also fails the 3 main scientific tests – tarski’s theorem, the classical model of science and scientific method. It is noteworthy that one of the principles of the scientific method is skepticism and this is what many climate realists have been attacked for having by climate alarmists. Therefore the theory of AGW must by reason be abandoned.
http://twawki.com/2009/12/20/tarskis-theorum/
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2 degrees plus or minus! What a crock! Sounds like some bad sci-fi movie script. Adjust the thermostat. Turn off a power station, buy some offsetting carbon credits, plant a tree or two before that overseas holiday. How can they be serious.
How do they determine this 2 degrees? Note the bloody cold in Europe (was it really snow I saw in a photo of Nice yesterday? No couldn’t be- it doesn’t snow in Nice during the hottest ever decade of the earth) and the snow dump in Canada and the USA.
So what happens when the temperatures continue to fall and we go into the next ice age? Mine more coal and open more factories. Ha Ha!
How can people be so STUPID to believe this SCAM. It’s all to do with the CARBON TRADING MARKET.
These scumbags (lawyers bankers and brokers) will be making millions/billions/trillions.
Socialist governments are rubbing their hands together as they introduce more control, regulations and TAXES. They will tell you what car to buy, what appliances to have and how much power you can use. No AC or heating for you!
And those lying deceitful climate scientists will demand more funding and increased staff and post grad students for more research and invent more sophisticated unworkable climate models.
Anybody read George Orwell’s 1984? Brainwashing, thought control and fudging the historical fact.
Does this sound familiar, given Climategate and the attempted Global Governance by the one body of the UN.
Frightening!
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Just for reference, the interview where Steve Fielding get’s cut off as soon as he mentions Climategate is available online:
http://www.abc.net.au/rn/breakfast/stories/2009/2775315.htm
Possibly he will release a statement about this and about the Danish police thugishly shoving Lord Monockton in the back, knocking him to the ground (and unconscious) as they were trying to walk away from the conference (both of them being legitimate guests who were arbitrarily turned away at the gate with neither notice nor explanation).
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Do you folks want some good news? (murmurs “mmm yeah ok, hmm what?)
I SAID…DO YOU FOLKS WANT SOME GOOD NEWS? (loud response “OK OK GO ON WHAT IS IT?)
OK then, hear ’tis
Planet Earth is on a roll! GPP is way up. NPP is way up. To the surprise of those who have been bearish on the planet, the data shows global production has been steadily climbing to record levels, ones not seen since these measurements began. GPP is Gross Primary Production, a measure of the daily output of the global biosphere –the amount of new plant matter on land. NPP is Net Primary Production, an annual tally of the globe’s production. Biomass is booming. The planet is the greenest it’s been in decades, perhaps in centuries. […] The results surprised Steven Running of the University of Montana and Ramakrishna Nemani of NASA, scientists involved in analyzing the NASA satellite data. They found that over a period of almost two decades, the Earth as a whole became more bountiful by a whopping 6.2%. About 25% of the Earth’s vegetated landmass — almost 110 million square kilometres — enjoyed significant increases and only 7% showed significant declines. When the satellite data zooms in, it finds that each square metre of land, on average, now produces almost 500 grams of greenery per year. Why the increase? Their 2004 study, and other more recent ones, point to the warming of the planet and the presence of CO2, a gas indispensable to plant life. CO2 is nature’s fertilizer, bathing the biota with its life-giving nutrients. Plants take the carbon from CO2 to bulk themselves up — carbon is the building block of life — and release the oxygen, which along with the plants, then sustain animal life. As summarized in a report last month, released along with a petition signed by 32,000 U. S. scientists who vouched for the benefits of CO2: “Higher CO2 enables plants to grow faster and larger and to live in drier climates. Plants provide food for animals, which are thereby also enhanced. The extent and diversity of plant and animal life have both increased substantially during the past half-century.”
This is the type of news we have to keep harping about…THERE IS NO PROBLEM.
(The above being from NASA, I wonder how it got past James Hansen) 🙂
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WICKIPEDIA in the crosshairs!!!
Check out “Watts up With That”
(I can hardly wait for the Lovely Ms Nova to weigh in on this.)
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[…] Última Hora: La ONU encuentra el termostato de la Tierra. (Vía JONOVA) […]
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I agree with most of what Joanne says and I applaud her efforts at getting the word out about the Global Warming hoax.
However, Joanne has chosen in her above article to lampoon the Robert Felix website ‘Ice Age Now’ and I think that readers of Joanne’s satire should be made aware of Felix’s long-standing opposition to the bogus theory of AGW. ‘Ice Age Now’ presents many articles that debunk AGW, and ‘Ice Age Now’ also presents the most up-to-date log of statistics about global cooling available on the Internet.
The ice core data from Vostok and EPICA, sea sediment cores, the geologic record, pollen studies and other data from paleobiology, and the astronomical evidence of the earth’s orbital cycle around the sun all show that the Ice Age cycle happens with clockwork regularity. The earth should now be at the close of the warm Holocene Interglacial, and poised to return to Ice Age conditions. That is not a fringe theory; it is Climatology 101.
That is why climatologists in the 1970s were predicting an imminent return to Ice Age conditions. It had nothing to do with nonsense like the current CO2 insanity. Their interpretation of the geological data was correct then and it remains correct today.
The Ice Age cycle, which is caused by the orbital cycle, proceeds on its own inexorable schedule regardless of what the solar flare (sunspot) cycle is doing. In effect, the solar flare cycle is a short-term cycle, and the orbital cycle is a long-term cycle whose massive influence can overwhelm the effects of the solar flare cycle.
Robert Felix also has his own pet theory about a relationship between ‘magnetic reversals’ and the Ice Age cycle. I haven’t read Felix’s book about ‘magnetic reversals’, so I’m not prepared to pass judgement on it. But Felix is quite correct that the scientific evidence shows that the earth is now due to enter the next Ice Age.
Gregory Fegel
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Gregory, the ice core data also shows that the onset of an interglacial (i.e. the warming) is rapid, but the onset of the ice age (i.e. the cooling) tends to be much more gradual.
Also, the Holocene interglacial never got as warm as other interglacials so the pattern obviously is not “clockwork regularity” because there is some degree of chaos in the orbits.
The ice age will happen slowly, and there’s nothing we can do about it so we will just have to adapt as we go.
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Houston we have a problem ,get 2 thermostats in a plastic bag and fill one with exaust gas from a car ,stand them in the sun on a stick about 6 ft high ,and what do you know the temp with the exaust gas goes down ,that fits exactly with what true science shows it does not make warming it follows warming .if you keep listening to this fraud you will all end up bankrupt just like they plan.criminal charges for the fraud i say.
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Tel:
Agreed that the ice core data always shows rapid warming at the end of an Ice Age, but the ice core data also shows that the return of the cold often appears be ‘relatively’ rapid, when compared to the climate that we’re presently used to.
That previous Interglacials have spiked higher temperatures than the present, over-extended Holocene does not alter the fact that the normal duration of an Interglacial is about 10 or 11,000 years.
Here’s a link to an image of the Vostok data graph:
http://pustakalaya.olenepal.org/wiki/images/67/6748.png.htm
Various studies have also shown that some quite rapid downward temperature shifts, on the order of a few years or a decade, to very frigid conditions have happened several times in the past.
Within a typical Precessional cycle, it has been found that it takes about 5,000 years of gradual accumulation for the continental ice sheets in the Northern Hemisphere to achieve their maximal thickness of about three kilometers in depth. Then the ice sheets remain stable for another 5,000 years before they begin to retreat — often quite rapidly.
At the risk of sounding unduly ‘alarmist’, it won’t take a three kilometer thick ice sheet to make Canada become rapidly uninhabitable. All it will take is an annual winter snowpack a few feet deep that never melts during the summer and gets deeper every succeeding year.
Gregory Fegel
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The whole notion of a world government run by the UN reminds me of an Asimov short story from 1951.
Synopsis here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shah_Guido_G.
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This Climategate stuff, AGW garabge from the CRU and UN, simply never stops.
First we hear about AlGore’s billions from tapping into “eco companies”.
Then its he IPPC chair himself and all the India-based “tata” ties – with virtually untraceable salary attached ( without conflict of interest of course.
Then I read this –
http://www.climatechangefraud.com/media-manipulation/5923-wikipedias-climate-doctor
thousands of wikipedia artilces altered and deleted from submission!!!!
When will this money trail completetly unravel? A local paper her in the west had 4/5 people off the street that either never heard of ETS or did not understand it. !!
How would they go about the real dirt and corruption?.
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In Scotland the temperature is -5. Where I live it’s currently -3. OMG two degrees difference. I’m doomed, I tell you. DOOOOOMED!!!!
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Repent! The end is near!
Or maybe not.
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When all the known variables are taken into account, there is simply no way of explaining all of the warming without the assumption that the Sumerians knew about the Global Thermostat.
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Fair point, but what made them program it to trigger off in 1970 ?
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What – 1970, the year when there was a consensus on global cooling? No idea my friend.
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